In plain Inglish

"English is a phunny language," said Mr Big B in a movie long ago. But 'phunnier' is how the language has been customized to suit the multitude of Indians, is it not? I'm sure we have all come across various instances of the language and its spellings being tweaked, twisted, and turned upside down, to hilarious effect sometimes - well, most of the times.

These could be through literal translations from Hindi, such as these:
- "They are given one one page" ("Sabko ek-ek page diya jaata hai" So very Indian no?)
- "I am mad behind her" (What the ...!)
- "I have good news for you, imagine?" (Yeah, I really can't imagine you having good news for me! Did u mean 'guess' by the way?)

These are closely followed by commonly used grammar scares such as "Where he is?" and "Did you got your role here?"

Wrong usages only add to the whole act. This time, I am listing a few of them down. These comprise just a few of the recent ones that I have come across and none of them (including the ones above) are made up - I swear! I'm sure there are tonnes around, if you just keep looking out for them. Before I start, let me add that this does not mean that I am an expert in English, and neither am I mocking at those who are 'behind the lines'. But hey, what is wrong with some humor, especially during these trying times, as long as you are not laughing at the people but at the joke?

1. I am vacated - my own decision (Overheard a mentor telling a young boy. The mentor was helping him write an application to move out of the hostel. Hope someone managed to correct it finally!)

2. No urien passing this area (Ah - see, I told you there was no 'urien' passing this area!)

3. Always be worry for ABC packers (What a pleasant change from packers and movers who are often a worry for us!)

4. Rent for house (Reversal of fortunes? Didn't we have houses for/on rent sometime ago?)

5. Beutycion and hair take classes also (Well, I am confused about what this salon does, but I guess I'll give it a miss!)

6. Clearns sale (Rush! a, c and e have already been cleared!)

So much for Inglish :) I guess it is all about perception and usage. You never know, wrong usages might make an entry into the language – like how prepone is now acceptable (read more on wordsmith.org), by popular vote. It's still not in Merriam Webster or Oxford English dictionaries, but maybe it will find its place there one day. Let us keep watching!

Tailpiece: I’d like to end this post with an incident my colleague told me about. A guy from another team was speaking to a person in the United States. It's their first meeting, the Indian guy has a long name with his entire family making an appearance on it, and the US person is struggling to get it right. Finally our guy spells it out, A for Apple, P for Paris, and so on. On reaching D, he says "D for Doordarshan" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If the guy in the US has fallen off his chair, my colleague is not seeing it, coz she is laughing her head off and trying to breathe thorough all that muffling. What happened finally? After 3 to 4 failed attempts our guy said "D for Dog?" much to everyone's relief!

Cheers!

PS: Names have been changed to protect me from their wrath.

V the people

It’s a bit late – but still, how did your Valentine’s Day go? Don’t ask me - we don’t celebrate V-day. We have nothing against people who do, just that we find it commercialized and kinda, stupid, if you ask. Why do you need a day to express love? I relate to mother’s and father’s days though. It seems hypocritical, but I think we take our parents for granted all the time. So a day to make them feel special seems like a good idea.

“So won’t you be taking your partners for granted as well?” is what you will now ask! Let me ask you something – who do you think celebrates V-day more? A couple spending their 15th anniversary together or 18-20 somethings? Cootchie cooing to each other 20 hours a day and then again getting mushy on V-day – give me a break guys!

Agreed, I am not romantic in the “usual” sense of the word. I think candle light dinners are the most boring things ever – and I would yawn to death halfway through. I also cannot imagine my husband lavishing cards, chocolates, and gifts on me every other day. God – I would so want to divorce such a guy! But yes, I do understand that there are many couples who really enjoy these, and I am not saying this is despicable. I only want to say, spare me!

But why am I discussing this at this late hour? Because last day, I came across this V-day supplement, featuring love notes people had sent to their valentines. First of all, I don’t understand why you have to put it in the newspaper for the whole world to see, but again, maybe that makes them feel special, and is a major surprise to know that person took the trouble of doing that for you – so fine. I was very amused by a few – of course I read them all after one caught my eye. That much of hypocrisy is fine with me ;)

Some were very interesting, here are a few for you (of course, names have been changed to protect MY identity):

1. “To Mrs xyz Sinha from abc Sinha” (so that people know it is his wife that he is proclaiming his love for)

2. “Dear anonymous from xyz Kumar” (Now – how on earth is the girl, who this is meant for, know it is her? Atleast if he had put in the girl’s name and signed off as anonymous, she would know someone loved her!)

3. To my grizzly bear from ur hairless bear (eeeeeeeeeeks – how can someone survive this! I’m sure there must be some interesting story behind those pet names, but I really don’t want to know what it is!)

All men out there - please tell me, I really want to know: do you mean to say you enjoy being called grizzly bear, honey bunny (yes, that was another one of the above list), or cootchie poo? Don’t you want to have a heart attack and die when you girlfriend calls you all that in public? I for one cannot stand women who get all mushy and call their boy friends or husband “baby”. Baby? Yuck! How do you bear with it?

Now I guess all of you think I am extremely boring and unromantic. I don’t think I mind though. If I were a guy, I’d rather spend my life alone than with someone who calls me all that. But well, in my defense I would like to say that I am not unromantic, I am just a different kind.

And what floors me? The one who needs to know, knows that well. So mum’s the word !